5 Actionable Tips To Fail More And Make It AWESOME.

Never cry over spilt milk. Unless it’s in a £7 latte.

When I was 16 I learned to drive. I’m really going to date myself here, but it was a 1984 Toyota Celica.

It was frustrating to have to learn to do 50 million things at once. Look 360 degrees in every direction all the time! Shift! Find that biting point! Use the emergency brake on a hill! Don’t forget the stopping distance!

And the parallel parking. Oh god, the parallel parking. This Toyota had NO POWER STEERING. It was AN ABSOLUTE RAGING BEAST.

(The upside was that I emerged with both a drivers’s license and arms the size of tree trunks. But I digress. So did the deltoids.)

It was challenging. But during all that time, even when a parent was sitting helplessly in the passenger seat, grabbing the Oh Shit handle for deal life, begging god or universal intelligence to do something — anything — to keep us all alive for another day-

Hang on, what was I saying? Oh yeah, in all that time, even during moments of frustration, it never once occurred to me that I should be driving perfectly from the start.

Not when I practiced a 3-point-turn over and over again. Or tried parallel parking for the 50 bajillionth time.

Or when finding the biting point while stuck on a San-Francisco-steep hill while trying not to hit the car that was 3.5 inches from our back bumper — even then, I didn’t write myself off as a moron.

Same thing with playing basketball- you don’t expect to do an alley-oop your first time on the court. You expect to miss a million baskets first. And music- you’re not playing on stage with Foo Fighters the first time you pick up a guitar. Because failure is learning’s natural partner.

For the most part (assuming family members and coaches aren’t ultra-competitive assholes) we know we’re going to have to suck big time before we get better.

So why is it that the millisecond we adult, start a new career, go for a job, or work in earnest toward our passions and dreams, that we completely turn on ourselves and make RIDICULOUS, IMPOSSIBLE demands of perfection?

What the hell are we thinking when we do this?

We gotta trust Sugar Ray.

Okay, I’ll give you that failure don’t feel great

There’s no use in pretending that failure doesn’t suck massive rhino balls. On a practical level it can be expensive as hell. And it saps us of our time.

It can also be sooooo embarrassing. Oh good lord, one time I took part in a saddleless horse-mounting competition in Tennessee at a massive church camp.

And I totally won it! (NO I DIDN’T I SO DIDN’T OH GODDDDDDD NOOOOO)

I fell UP THE horse and crashed into its side at the same time, in front of thousands of people who laughed at me. No, this was not a dream. It happened in real life in the 80s and in my mind it’s still as fresh as a Five Guys.

Either an epic fail, or a straw-that-breaks-the-camel’s-back fail (or horse’s back fail in my case) can be enough to make us give up on something forever. Or make us verbally and emotionally abuse ourselves so badly that we never try again.

I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want to leave this existence riddled with regret. No way. Not a chance.

“If you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original.” — Ken Robinson

The solution to the failure problem

So here’s what we have to do to figure out the failure problem. It has to be more than just nodding at some “embrace failure” or “end perfectionism” cliches we’ve heard a million times. Here are 5 things to help get it done:

Not forever, but until you nail it.

I remember listening to Mel Robbins- on a podcast? She was talking about a big mistake people make when they’re manifesting (even if you think manifesting is woowoo, read on, because the rest doesn’t have to do with that).

They put their focus on the ultimate outcome — you know, the house on the beach, the trip around the world, the dream partner (I relate- Keanu’s on my digital dreamboard), the stacks of money, or whatever else.

But that ultimate outcome can be so far away from where we currently are which means we get easily discouraged and — worst case scenario — quit.

So here’s Mel’s (look at me talking like I’m on first-name basis with her) solution for it to the best of my memory. Alongside the focus on the end goal and any baby steps of success along the way, build the steps of failure into the process too.

What this does is it flips the discouragement of failure on its head. It’s so much easier to check off a list of failures because they’re easy to achieve. They also show progression. Fail bigger. Fail bigger again at the next step. Yes! You’re now a little closer to the end goal (ie Keanu).

Ooo err…

Ever been in a dark place after a relationship? Maybe you were blindsided or cheated on. Or someone lied a breathtaking way. Whatever the reason, you knew it was going to be awhile before you could trust enough to commit.

But after awhile you wanted to date, so you got a rotation going. No judgement- honest and up-front rotations can be great! They help you avoid getting too emotionally tied to one person before you’re ready.

The same works for our passion/job/career/side hustle, etc. Never put all your eggs in one basket EVER. Because if it fails, you will be CRUSHED.

Whereas if you have multiple projects or collaborations or tests and trials in different stages, with different audiences or target markets, you won’t be as affected if something crashes and burns. You’ll be too busy to be super emotionally tied to it.

It’s just a matter of time.

Failure often comes from experimenting over and over until we tweak something or find the right combination of stuff that finally works with who we are. Or we hit the right timing. Or find the right person to help.

I have a super likeable friend who worked so damn hard doing standup. For years. At one point he was doing 3 gigs a day at the Edinburgh Fringe trying to get better. He couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t working for him. Then he got an idea for a radically different one-man show that combined two of his favourite things- Elvis and The Evil Dead.

It was a weird and awesome and brave thing he did — something true to himself. The show, called The Elvis Dead, was 100% him and spectacular and memorable. He put EVERYTHING into this show. And it was a runaway success. It was HUGE. He was even nominated for the Edinburgh Comedy Award.

He found his formula. And you will too, but only if you keep at it. Which also means that you must…

Yes, more.

The very idea might make your throat closeup and your fists tighten. It might send you into a panic. Where are my beta-blockers? Where? WHERE?

If you’re still debilitated by failure, you need to fail A LOT MORE.

On purpose.

We fail more because we try more. If your ego (or anxiety) makes this suggestion seem impossible, tap into that competitive need to win. Turn failure into a game. Make a bloody spreadsheet if your brain allows it.

Then, aim higher. Push yourself. Try harder.

It won’t matter as much if you fail because you’re trying to fail. So in actual fact…you’re actually succeeding.

And if you know someone else who’s in the same pickle, why not compete against each other? You don’t have to, but it might add another fun dimension to it.

How many times can you fail or get rejections in a week? In a month? Who can fail most spectacularly? Imagine the stories you might be able to get from it.

You turn it into something that’s funny, you take the power back, and you take the sting out of it.

You are!

You know what’s scarier than failure? These stats about failure:

We’re twice as afraid of failure than we are ghosts.

49% of Americans say that the fear of failure prevents them from achieving or revisiting their goals.

90% of CEOs agree that the fear of failure is their main cause of distress.

(There are a lot more stats on that link above- have a look for how it impacts people around the world!)

So if you are willing to do what others are not willing to do, you put yourself at a huge advantage. And THAT, like Robert Frost says, will make all the difference.

You must do it.

Bottom line is we’re going to achieve anything of value, we’ll have to look like foolish dicks at some point.

We just need to get over ourselves and check our egos. We’re not that important and in the end, nobody really cares about us to spend their entire lives laughing at our failures. They’re too busy worrying about their own failures.

Trolls might be an exception, but hey, if you dare commit the crime of being alive, there will probably be trolls around.

And if you deep down are still worried about the risk of getting laughed at or criticised for being a failure above all else? Ummm, what do you think happens when you get successful?!?!!?

THE. SAME. THING. You will be criticised. You will be laughed at.

We have to get used to being vulnerable and not pleasing everyone because it comes with success too. But by then if we’re used to failure and understand that it is absolutely part of the process, we become — dare I say it — bulletproof?

Or at least much more able to shrug it off!

So fail bigger, fail more, and fail harder. Then adjust. Tweak. Redo.

That’s how you get everything you want.